How Do I Resolve Conflict with a Difficult Colleague?

This may be the number one question that I am asked.  The first thing that I say is consider changing the language "difficult colleague."    

In conflict, we want to separate the person from the problem.  After all, you can't solve people, but you can solve problems.   Identify the behaviors you are finding difficult.   

The behaviors are the problem, not the person.   

Conflicts often occur because of unmet expectations.  Am I expecting someone to have the same priorities, values, and responses as me?  In other words, is the problem mine, because of unrealistic expectations?  Do I need to realize that the other person is a unique individual and accept that there will be differences?    

We often have expectations about what other people "should" and "shouldn't" do.  Those are based on our personal rules and values.  Because we are different people, with different biology and different backgrounds, we're going to have differences in both rules and values.   

That doesn't mean one person is right and the other wrong.  It means we're different people. 

If the answers to all of the above still lead to a conversation that needs to be had, I recommend first giving the person advanced notice that you want to discuss something that may be difficult, and you'd like them to pick a time/place to have that conversation.   

Then, start with owning the problem as yours.  Name the behavior that's a problem and then listen and clarify.  We call this active listening.  It's listening to understand (not to refute or argue).  It comes from a place of truly wanting to understand their perspective and asking questions to be sure that you do understand.  You also repeat back what you've heard to be sure you understand their perspective clearly.  

Here are 2 examples:   

• "For me the workplace is always a mess and the story I'm telling myself around this is that you don't care about the kitchen and that makes me feel like you don't care about me." 

• “To me, it seems like when I come around, everyone stops talking and the story that I make up is that you’re talking about me.” 

I start these conversations with "the story I'm telling myself (thank you Brene Brown) because I am taking ownership of what I'm feeling and what I've made up.  In the absence of knowing for sure the "why" of something, our brains are hard-wired to make up a story.  

Many times, that story is not true.  

Starting out a conversation in this simple way removes blaming or finger pointing. It's being honest about what’s going on inside.  So far, I’ve never, ever had pushback when I use that phrase in a difficult conversation.   

It takes a lot of honesty to admit why this is a problem for you, yet if you're asking for a lot of honesty, it's really good to demonstrate your willingness to do the same.  This part of the conversation is very often all that is needed.   Simply understanding is often enough. 

If understanding is not the resolution, remember that you've gone into this conversation to solve a problem. Now that the problem is identified, brainstorm possible solutions.   Most of the time people in conflict start with 2 choices - your way or my way.  There are an infinite number of solutions, so work together to find one that works for both of you.  

 Someone told me once that telling someone that there is a problem without telling them exactly what you do need to resolve it and helping them find a resolution is cruel.  That's strong words, but the truth is, when we just say there's a problem and someone needs to fix it, we leave the other person guessing on what to do.   They often don't get it right, and we continue to be upset and frustrated with them.   

Go into the conversation with a win/win mentality.  That is, you want the best process and outcome for both of you.  

Now, if you agree on a solution and it works -great!    

But maybe the solution didn’t work.    That's likely not a failure, but instead it’s a lesson. Things work until they don’t, and we need to sometimes come back to the negotiation table.  It is completely normal to need to renegotiate. I often say that life is an experiment.  Every single second is one we've never been in before.  Sometimes we'll have answers that work, and sometimes we'll miss.   

That's not failure.  That's learning.   

Finally, don't give up on each other until you're sure you've had really good conflict management processes.  Hire a professional mediator if necessary - or if you don't feel equipped to have the above conversation.  Conflict management is a skill that needs to be learned and practiced.  Be patient and have grace for yourself and your colleague. 

Remember, the goal is to create a workplace situation that is successful for both parties. Sometimes, perfect harmony isn't achievable, but a respectful co-working environment is almost always possible with these strategies.